XXVI | The Game of Life

1. You don't have to like or understand everyone.

I've met some proper pricks in my lifetime. Much like anyone would throughout theirs. But this year has felt different for me in regards to that. Generally I was quite a chill person, tight lipped with opinions, not that observant, and don't get rattled very often. But in this last year, I've felt a shift in all of these traits of mine. For better or worse? I'm still trying to figure that one out. I've felt let down by people, I've had disagreements, I discovered that people create masks for themselves for you to see, or rather I'd give them that said mask. Whether it was a friend, a romantic, or even someone that means nothing to me at all - I realized that I must accept what my eyes see, not what my mind wants to imagine. Someone recently taught me about the idea of "letting them be". At first I wasn't a fan of this idea, these days I want people to know if they're a bastard or not. But if I'm getting so heated over something that doesn't actually mean a whole lot to me, then maybe I should just let them be. Sometimes it's easier to do that rather than letting the blood boil. Somewhere along the way I began to question the choices that other people make, and how they don't make sense to me. But often times those choices don't affect me directly at all, other than the general question of "why?". Choosing my battles to give time to has been a big learning experience for me this year, because you can indeed choose what to focus on if you change the way you think about it. Sometimes the biggest victory for yourself is telling someone else that they've won.

2. There are many blessings in disguises.

A lot of things that end or don't work out in life often end up being a blessing in disguise. Whether you've lost a job opportunity or many things along those lines. This year, I've always managed to see positive outcomes in things that I considered to have not worked out for me. The biggest blessings for me came from breaking my hand at the beginning of September. I was meant to be running my first 55km Ultra Marathon in the middle of October, and made the sensible decision to withdraw from this race. The hand might have been fine on the day, but I would have had barely any training under my belt by the time I had the green light to run this race. Once I withdrew from the race, the organizers gave me the option to transfer my entry in to next years race, which I immediately accepted. But over the next couple of days after I agreed to do this, I couldn't help but think that I'd want something more in more than that in one years time. I wanted this race to feel special as it is in the Coromandel where my family are based and would be supporting me. Ideally I'd like to do my first Ultra Marathon much sooner than that, so in turn it made me think... what about 100km? 55km is no joke of a run, but it's not a huge jump beyond that of a marathon. I was nervous towards it, sure... but I want to be fucking terrified of a race. Having fear and excitement that will really keep me on my toes next year. A 100km race was one of those "one day" kind of thoughts, the same way I used to hold a marathon in my mind for a long time. I acted on impulse, and requested for my entry to be changed to the 100km race at the Hauraki Trail Trilogy. I missed out on a race I was keen on, sure. But now I'm in for a real ride with training over the next year!

Another blessing has been through my job oddly enough. Originally deemed as unfit to work with a broken hand due to the physical demands of my general role, management started to give me a few hours of office work a day to learn new things and keep me from being bored at home. Long story-short, office work has now become a large part of my role within the company now thanks to this opportunity. I've quickly evolved in to a "second in command" type of role, which in all honesty is the opportunity I've always wanted from this company. I was given a ball and I ran with it. Now more opportunities may arise from here.

3. The importance of spending time with friends.

I've made a lot of new friends this year, some of whom have become really good friends of mine. Needless to say that these friends have often led me astray (or I have led them rather), and we've had numerous boozy weekends under our belts this year. Often times I felt bad because some of these boozy weekends affected the results of some of my goals this year, and I take full responsibility in that. But you know what? I have no regrets, because I have had a blast with people who have entered my life and now mean a lot to me. I was always aware that some of these friends were leaving Wellington too. Looking at it that way, now's the time to have fun and do stupid shit. Because we might not be able to have as much fun or do stupid shit much longer. The same goes across all of my friends, many of whom are getting married and having kids, or they have done so already. Or we all just take different paths in life entirely. Make the most with what's in front of you, because it won't be there forever.

4. The importance of not spending time with friends.

Having time to yourself is so important, I've always known this. But this year especially, I've had to learn to say "no" to friends or some kind of invitation if I'm in need of some me time. I know this is ironic to talk about immediately after saying to give time to friends - but hear me out. 

In England I never really had to think about designated "me time" because I was alone so often. In fact it was always the opposite to the situation I'm in now, I craved social interaction with like-minded people. But I put myself in places and situations where I didn't get as much of that as I wanted. Being back in Wellington is such a different reality, some times I get invited to do things by three different lots of friends in the space of a couple of hours and end up taking up on none of them. I love being in that position, but I also love having the ability to know that I don't actually have to feel any guilt about saying no sometimes. Sometimes I just need time to myself to get my life and routine back on track, or even just do something like play video games, watch TV, read a book, or write like this. I no longer have an issue with being honest with someone and saying that I just don't want to hang out right now. If it means I'll be better off coming out of some me time, then it will be worth it.

5. Laying off the booze.

I always joke to my friends and say that I've quit drinking, generally after I feel poorly following a big session. As I said earlier, I have no regrets with those boozy weekends. In fact, I think I really needed to do all of those big sessions to understand how much it actually affects me when I'm off the booze. I used to always lean towards drinking on the weekends with mates until 6:00am because it was fun and I didn't know what else I'd be doing otherwise. Usually we'd complain if we were having a quiet weekend because we'd be bored. But that was the problem, I didn't give myself anything to do otherwise. Once my broken hand had healed up, I got back in to running. My body felt disgusting, and it took a fairly decent amount of time for it not to. I hated feeling that way, feeling as though I lost so much power in myself. Now, this feeling came about because I was injured and wanted my bone to heal as fast as possible by resting. But in turn, it made my mind terrified of feeling that disgusting again. I didn't even have to force myself to lay off the booze. Some kind of switch flipped in my mind during that recovery period, where I now think “why would I be so willing to consume something that affects me so much?”. I used to waste so much time and money that would just halt any kind of growth. Not to mention the effects drinking has on your mental health. I would feel so shit about myself sometimes and not even know why. Again, I don't regret how heavily I was drinking this year, the bonds I made are worth it. But it was a massive realization I had recently that something seriously has to change here. Once I started waking up at 5:00am and building a routine for myself over the past couple of months, I seriously didn't want to break it because I felt so good. Why on earth would I want to risk fucking that up for myself? Don't get me wrong, I still love a beer or two every now and then, and would be willing to have a fair few when the right moment calls for it. But that's the power I've unknowingly longed for, the power to know when to rein it in. And knowing the consequences of if I don't. I've allowed myself to be silly for the rest of this year, but next year I can't afford to be silly regularly.

6. Always be interested to learn.

If I've regretted anything across my life, is that I never cared much about learning new things. Growing up I had pretty bad anxiety and confidence issues. I didn't even realize that they were issues, I just thought that was part of who I was, and for a long time I accepted that. I dreamed of being an All Black or a Black Cap for most of my life. But I never bothered to go beyond myself to reach those dreams, it's almost like I just expected one or the other to happen eventually. People would try to help guide me in their own way, perhaps not the right way, but only when it was too late I realized that was what they were doing. It's hard to call a child entitled, but that's essentially what this behavior was with a massive mix of laziness built from lack of confidence. I look back sometimes and think "what if?", what if I really applied myself towards those goals? Suppose that's what I try to make up for within my fitness journey among other things. I didn't even become a half decent cook until I was 28. It was almost like I had some kind of fear that I couldn't accept being shit at it. Can't be shit at something if you limit yourself with it, right? I finally dropped that poor attitude at the beginning of this year, and actually get a bit of a kick when I make something new - even if it does turn to shit!

I digress... this year has been a good learning experience for me. I've unlocked and developed traits that I didn't have before, just through being curious and more observant. Trying to understand my strengths and weaknesses, building on those strengths and taming those weaknesses.

7. Entitled mind is dead weight.

I've seen quite a few examples of people feeling entitled this year. I won't go too much in to this, but I've seen examples of where people demand to receive more out of doing less and not taking ownership for mistakes. Or people having the inability to share and be disruptive without remorse. Grow the fuck up is all I can say towards that. I know I'll give myself a kick in the dick should I catch myself being like these examples.

8. Be unapologetic. 

When I say this, I don't mean this as a free pass to go ahead and be a prick. But don't be afraid to come across as a prick sometimes if in the long run you believe that it's actually an act of kindness. Stand your ground, say no, and speak with conviction. This year I've tried to be more of myself towards more people in general rather than the ones I know and am comfortable with. I think this also needs to be said "within reason" such as knowing when to adapt towards certain personalities and just letting them get on with it. Like, who can seriously be fucked arguing about different political opinions with Betty from work? Don't be afraid to say what you think or believe, but not at the expense of your good energy.

9. Life comes at you in waves.

At various points throughout the year I thought I was almost bipolar. The highs and lows I would experience within my moods fascinate me in hindsight. For example, a month ago I felt great. I was excited with new opportunities at work, surrounded by people I care about a lot, and my fitness felt great. Now three of those people I spent a lot of time with have moved on from Wellington, and I learned another was going to as well. One of those people I had built a romantic connection with, but we couldn't get past the distance between us to make sense of it. All of a sudden my life was in tatters because I relied so heavily on these people to be apart of it. That's a me problem. I'm happy for all of these people that mean a lot to me, they're embarking on exciting chapters. But this selfish part of me can't help but think - what about me? In the last couple of weeks I've just been sad, anxious, and angry. All of these negative emotions heightened dramatically. My sleep has been greatly been affected, which in turn is affecting my fitness and drive towards life. I couldn't bring myself to run more than 3km several times in the last couple of weeks, which within my expectations is fucking pathetic. What's normally a therapeutic, yet challenging exercise, felt like a massive chore surrounded by thoughts like "what's the point?". It's incredible realizing how weak I can be, when as far as a month ago I felt so switched on and strong. But this is not news to me, I do know that my consistencies of good effort and fortune will be challenged throughout life. Good times don't last, but neither do bad ones. It's about understanding to embrace the good times while they last, and knowing that the bad times won't last too.

10. Sometimes you need to break to grow.

Sometimes sadness is the best recipe for building strength. I'm all for character development. Although sometimes I think the universe takes the piss with dropping sad situations on me from time to time to build my character. Can't help but think, really? Couldn't let me have this one? Suppose that's life, isn't it? Talking about sadness and anger is a tricky one. What might seem small to you, could feel massive for me. What I might see as a sand-fly bite, could feel like a tiger bite to you. I have a strange relationship with sadness, as I get older I almost feel grateful for it despite letting it eat me up sometimes. Grateful if I can take something from it, whether it's building a kind of resilience, learning a valuable lesson, reminiscing happy memories, or where I can think "Jesus fuck, I know I won't be doing that again!" and almost laugh about it.

If you can manage to see the beauty in that sadness, then you could well gain something good from that beautiful sadness.

*

These all probably almost sound similar to each other, but these ten things have been my biggest takes from the year. I've gained a lot, I'm thankful for everything that has happened so far in 2025. At the end of the day, I just want to absorb everything I can to become the best person I can be. Truth is, I don't think I'll ever achieve this. Can you really sit there and think "yeah, I'm a pretty top bloke" and actually be a pretty top bloke? Probably not. But I hope that throughout each positive and negative experience I have throughout life, I will become better for it.

I want to find out the true meaning behind strength. I want to see if running 100km in 11 months time will absolutely fucking break me mentally and physically. I'm terrified, but I'm so excited for what I become once I go through this. Will I want to do it again? Will I want more? I thought I'd only ever do one marathon after completing my first one, but since then I've done two more. I remember how I felt with each of them. I have the worst memory in the world, especially after my concussions. But I never forget how I feel about things. My first marathon wasn't pretty, but I was so proud that I completed a marathon. In my second marathon I hit the time I wanted, despite less than desirable training going in to it. I was more experienced and smarter with this race. I was proud of the guts and determination I had in the final kilometers of it, that's what I remember most. The third and most recent marathon was utter dog shit. Terrible time within my standards, and I didn't prepare enough for it. Niggles got the better of me, but only because I let those niggles get worse leading up to the race. I remember my disappointment, but that disappointment served me a lesson in knowing that I cannot half-ass these kind of things and expect to be happy with the result. I've never been an academic, I learn best by doing hard shit and making stupid or risky choices. Some times those things pay off, some times they don't. In the end, I do learn from them. That is what I call the game of life.