VII | Reflection

10/10/22

It’s been over a week since I returned from Italy and back to the little town of Alton in Hampshire, England. Back on to my lovely cousin's couch for a little while. I’ve been reflecting on my travels and what my moves will be going forward. Despite my time traveling being only a brief 10 days, I learnt more about the world and more about myself and what I’m capable of. I do cringe when I say things like that, but that’s the reality of it. If you told me a year ago that I would be living in England and visiting European countries at this point of time, I would have called bullshit. Not only that, but traveling across the world by myself to get to these places. It’s something I always wanted to do, but I never thought I would actually do it. I never thought I would do many things. I never thought I would ever consider sharing a room with a bunch of strangers for multiple nights. I never thought I would stop giving a crap about asking strangers on the street for help or reassurance when I felt that I needed it. I never thought that I would decide to plan a European journey day by day, without any real plan. I never thought I would take one bus, one plane, three trains and one tube one after another just to get back to Alton from Italy. Four months ago I remember being anxious about using a bus from Alton to Selborne since I never had to use buses much at all back in New Zealand. Now look at the sort of shit I have to do to get around! It sounds ridiculous to say out loud, but it’s true. I was always thinking “Don’t fuck this up…” over something as freaking simple as catching a bus! What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll miss it? You bean-head. Suddenly I’m doing it over in France, with no idea what the driver is saying on the microphone and thinking “Huh… I assume this is going to the airport.” The fact that I used to worry about that sort of thing makes me laugh. I know I can do this anywhere now. “You’ve got a head and a tongue… use them” my Grandma told me before I left New Zealand. I have the memory and attention span of a cocker spaniel, but for whatever reason I’ll always remember that. It is simple, but I always seem to remember that quote whenever I think that I’m stuck, or if I’m unsure about something. These days I’m usually pretty good at piecing things together to get by, but there are some moments where I need to fall back on that quote. Something I’ve realized over the last several months is that I know that I’ll usually make it to wherever it is I want to go. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve thought “Oh man, I’m so fucked” and was actually fucked, yet it’s something I’ve always feared about anyway. Makes me wonder overall how many of my fears have actually ever come to life throughout my lifetime. Most of the time you’re probably better off laughing at your fears rather than listening and succumbing to them. 

I mentioned in one of my earlier entries that I wanted to feel as though I'd been thrown out into the wild in order to test my confidence. Thrown in to complete unknown territory to me and see what I could do. I think I got what I wanted. While I do intend to settle down and make a living for myself in England for now, I do have intentions to travel more in the future. I’ve proven I can do it, now I want more. Each country I’ve been to is so different, for better or worse, it’s all quite something to experience. I want to see more, not just of Europe, but beyond. I want to see it all. 

In my very first entry, I said that all I wanted was to tell a good story for my life. When I originally spoke about wanting a story to be proud of, I was indeed talking about being proud of my occupation at the time for the most part. I talked about feeling as though I didn’t have anything interesting to say amongst doctors, lawyers, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I still really want that. I always dream that I will find something where it doesn’t feel like work because I love it so much, even if it means crawling through shit to get there. But I’ve learnt that finding my perfect job isn’t everything to me anymore. It is still important to me and I’m sure one day I will know, or heck maybe I won’t. Fact of the matter is, there’s no point in beating myself up about not knowing what I want to do yet. I won't let the idea of having an occupation to be proud of define me anymore. 

I actually do have a dream though. I’ve had this particular dream for some time now, and always will I think. Whether I make this dream a reality one day or not, who knows. It might be difficult and seem out of reach, but I don’t think it’s unobtainable. This dream doesn’t involve what I do, but what I have. It’s a bit of a puzzle that has some pieces for it to work 100%, yet on the whole it’s relatively simple. I’ll leave it to your interpretation as to what it could be. I feel like I’ve told one or two people after a couple of beers about what it is before, I’m not sure. Clearly I’m more comfortable with telling you all how depressed I used to be over something as positive and wholesome as having a dream. ;)

When I came back from traveling to France and Italy, I came back with so much more to say than what I’d usually have. I had stories of good times, bad times, funny times, strange times, you name it. Much of it I’ve told all of you through these blog entries. I had all these things in my head just from a solo 10-day trip in Europe, ready to tell from such a short time. I realized when I spoke to the likes of Robbie the Australian in Nice, and Brent the Canadian in Genova that what they had were real stories for their lives. They were both real chatter boxes. So many people can just talk so much and yet not have anything interesting to say behind those words. But people like these two, regardless of what you think of them in general, have some really interesting stories of their lives. They don’t have crazy hot-shot jobs, they were just out there living and doing cool shit. Robbie decided to bike across Europe because his mates said he wouldn’t do it after he mentioned the idea to them, so now he’s doing it even after already traveling the world. Brent decided to do something similar after being sick of his job in Canada. Brent was mostly just camping in a tent and finding huts in the mountains before taking a break in Genova. He said that doing what he was doing with his bike had some very testing moments. If he was 80kms away from where he needed to be, he had no choice but to do it regardless of how he was feeling if it meant he'd have somewhere to eat and sleep. I’m not sure I’d ever decide to cycle across Europe personally, who knows, but my point is that these guys are out there doing some fucking cool shit and you can tell in their voices that they are proud and excited about what they are doing. I couldn’t help but think, these guys are really doing it right. I mentioned already about my terrible attention span, but these blokes continuously had me engaged with what they were saying. I still keep in contact with Brent now, I look forward to hearing and seeing about what he gets up to. I owe it to these guys who made me realise what kind of stories I really wanted to make for my life.

I decided that one day I want to come back to New Zealand with all these stories to share with my friends and family. I wouldn’t do that anytime soon, but one day when I’ve seen and done a lot more. My goal is to come back as a completely different person, for the better. I want to stand straight and walk with purpose. I want to speak loud and clear with confidence. I want to be unrecognizable in a way that would “wow” those I know. I always think about when I’d come back or if I’d come back. I have moments where I think I’d like to come back tomorrow then I think, that would be nice but then what? Sometimes I think I’ll go back in a couple of years, but would that even be enough? Who knows, there’s no point in figuring that out for now. I know one thing, I’m not going back until I know I'm truly satisfied with what I’ve done and who I’ve become over on this side of the world. Whether that be for just a holiday, or back for good. This might all sound dramatic I know, but this means a lot to me as I left New Zealand when I did because I wouldn’t accept the person I was then. I refuse to return until I know that I can say that I love myself in full confidence.

In my very first entry “One Way” I used a lot of negative words, mostly towards myself. “Hate” is the recurring word and theme of that one. Because there was a lot of hate. I wasn’t looking for sympathy from anyone, nor did I feel the absolute need for people to know that I was feeling that way. I was just saying how it was. I felt that I had to be vulnerable and honest to truly kick off this story. It’s the story of my new adventure, the story of new experiences, the story of my rise. While I still feel weird about publicising my feelings and thoughts like that. I felt that it was an essential part to this story. Heck, part of me thought that it might have even done something for those with their own struggles right now, whatever they may be. No matter what, don’t ever doubt your self-worth. Make the most of who you are and don’t be afraid to make some moves with the hand you are dealt with. It took me a long time to realise that you don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.

I don’t plan on telling the world about every time I ever feel shit about myself by the way! I noticed the change of tone in my writing by the time I wrote my sixth entry. I realised I was often using words like “awesome”, “beautiful” and “crazy.” The word “hate” never made it beyond the first entry I wrote. That wasn't something I planned on purpose. Quite curious, isn’t it?

As I’ve already mentioned, I loved my experience in Europe. I won’t say that I regretted anything about it, but I learned a lot about what I would do differently for the future. Like with most things I do in life, I generally just wing it. This trip was no different. I decided a few weeks prior to the beginning of my trip that I would start off in Paris, other than that I had nothing else planned. I knew I wanted to go to the south of France and I knew I wanted to go to do a fair bit of Italy amongst some other countries if possible. But I didn’t truly do my research on these places. If I did, I would have likely not gone to places such as Marseille and Genova, and put more effort into going to places I really wanted to go to. Like I said, I don’t regret anything from my trip, but I did learn from it. By the time I got to Genova, my winging it ways finally put a halt on things and made me readjust my original loose idea that I had. All of a sudden I found it too expensive to reason with myself to go to places like Rome and Venice from there. I didn’t do my research on what travel and accommodation costs would be like from Genova before I decided to go there. There was no “cheap” or logical way for me to make it work from what I could see. If I did my research properly I likely would have turned my travels elsewhere and made a plan that I knew would have worked better. I like being a winging it sort of guy when it works well, but I don’t like being a winging it sort of guy when on the rare occasion it doesn’t. I’m not sure if I tend to wing through life because I’m not that serious about things, or if it’s because I enjoy figuring things out on the fly, probably both. What I learned from this trip is that I want to be more of a man with a plan. Not just for travelling but for life in general. I want to add more meaning and purpose to my decisions and why I do things, rather than taking a gamble with them so often.

Now it’s time to find a car and a job back in Devon. I’ll be going back to Lynton and Lynmouth to stay with the people I originally stayed with for most of my time in the country. I hit them up recently, knowing they were keen to have me again. I offered to do some more jobs for them for a couple of weeks while I looked for a full-time job and a place to live, etc. Next thing I know I get told I can lodge and pay rent there once I get a job if I wanted! Funny how things work out like that. One less thing to worry about for the time being. I can’t express how good they’ve been to me when they don’t have to be. I think Andrew secretly just wants me to kick his ass at table tennis eventually, maybe that’s why. I plan to write about them and my first stay in Devon at some point, same for Hampshire and when I first arrived in England. I’ve loved getting to know my family on this side of the world, they’re awesome. 

I’ve already been offered to play rugby in Barnstaple, I wasn’t even looking for a team. Playing footy again was unfortunately at the bottom of my list of things to do, but as I was poking out feelers for jobs on Facebook groups in Devon one of the managers of Barnstaple rugby messaged me about joining the club and finding a job through them! So far that’s my best bet. Hopefully two birds-one stone with that one. It’s a good start to meet people and make friends around my new local area too. I have missed being around friends, it took a while for it to hit me but I really do miss it. I’ve turned in to a bit of a loner by choice as I get older, but with being in Europe and meeting lots of people, all of a sudden I remembered how good it felt to make new friends. These days I always try to make the effort of keeping in contact with the few friends I have made here in England, I’m probably over the top with the amount of times I try to as well. Which is ironic as I’ve always been crap at that sort of thing back in NZ. I humbly say that I have too many mates to keep tabs on back there! Regardless of what happens, I’m looking forward to kick-starting my life here in England properly. 

I think I’ve bombarded you all with these blog entries enough for the time being. You’re probably sick of me and my shit now. I won’t lie, I have enjoyed writing them hence why I just polish and pump most of them out so close together. If you’ve read one, two or even all of them I just want to say thank you and I hope you enjoyed them. I’m looking forward to doing more down the line. I want these to mean something when I look back on them in the future.