XI | Divided Road

30/03/23


For a while now, I’ve been the kind of person to think, right - what should I do next? When it comes to settling down in certain chapters of life anyway. I’ve been like this for a long time really, but the usual problem I would face in the past was not knowing what to do or where to go. That’s changed for me in the last year or so. These days I question myself on the daily thinking of what to do next. I used to have no idea, now I’ve got too many ideas. In the last year or so I’ve taken much enjoyment towards giving myself possible paths and deciding which one to take. Do I go here? Or do I go there? Do I do this? Or should I do that?


I tend to view life as some kind of game, because in a lot of ways it is. You begin life with the hand you are dealt with, and work it out from there. You could start life with nothing and end life with everything, or start life with everything and end life with nothing. Our choices often determine our reality, though it would be ignorant for me to say that in some circumstances - but ultimately this is the case. I’ve changed my stance on this type of perspective recently, or rather - I’ve let that perspective evolve. From the viewpoint of a life-long video-gamer, I know that my favourite games are generally the ones with what I find have the best stories. At some point over the last year I realized how important it is to me for my life to have an overall great story. I touched on this a little bit in Entry VII about wanting to create great stories, or in other words - memories. Meeting people from around the world and hearing their stories made me want that. I guess for me, when I’m one day knocking on death’s door, I would want to look back and think “you know what, that’s a pretty fucking cool life… yeah, I’m happy with that”. Why would you want to settle for anything less? You only have one round in life after all. Bad moments are going to happen regardless, that’s just reality. In the end, I want to remember life in a good way - because I was seeking the good moments that outshine the darkness. Accept the shit moments, find and embrace the good ones. I’m not fussed on whether I find that I regret a thing or two from time to time, but it would annoy me far more if I were to regret something I didn’t do.


Christ, look at me trying to sound all bloody philosophical. I blame the lingering concussion issues for talking this kind of nonsense.


Admittedly having this way of thinking has made me far more analytical towards the choices I make in life. I'd often ask myself “does this line up with what I want?”, “will this affect what I really want to do?”, “do I really want to put any energy into this?”. I’ve definitely noticed that recently. I used to be such a care-free person who’d just go with the flow, and I still am in a lot of ways. But now I’m far more careful with the choices I make and how they affect the path I’m on - whatever that path may be. I’m in a stage of life where I’m enjoying calling the shots for myself and being the captain of my own ship. This captain could do with more money to sail somewhere though…


I guess I’m talking like this now because I’m not sure what road to choose next in life - but I’m excited to figure it out. As I said at the beginning, oftentimes I find myself with too many ideas these days. Truth be told, I don’t see myself staying in Devon for the long-term future. I think I’ve just got too much of the itch to keep moving forward to see and experience more elsewhere. Maybe the shine of living in Devon isn’t as great as it once was to me too, I don’t know. Before settling down here, I really got used to the idea of not having a “home”, and strangely enough - I think I miss that feeling. I didn’t really have much of a choice when it came to settling down when I did, it got to a point where I either had to settle down somewhere in the UK and find work or book a flight back to New Zealand - the latter of which I never considered a true option yet. Nowadays, I keep thinking of things like what if I save up a bit and then go and work on a farm in Scotland for a while and explore the mountains? Or go live in London and explore the city more? Personally I think the former is more appealing than the latter - but you see where I’m getting at, right? I’m very keen to move on, but that doesn’t go without saying that I do love living in North Devon. I said that the shine may have worn off a bit - but I really do love living here. I’m in love with Lynton & Lynmouth in particular, the tiny town that I’ve been living in for over 6 months now. It’s so beautiful and isolated, it’s completely up my alley. I’ve seen a fair amount of North Devon now, and I have to say that this has always been my favourite place. L&L is like a perfect little package of ocean, rivers, trees, rocks, views, bird sounds and peace. I’ve made some good mates here, joined a rugby club, and have gotten to explore new places from time to time here in North Devon. It really has been good, but I just can’t shake off the feeling of wanting to move on. 


Ironically after everything I just said, I feel like sometimes moving forward could involve going back to New Zealand somewhere along the line in the some-what near future. Who knows, maybe that’s the injured brain talking. I think that New Zealand will always be home to me. I left a lot behind back there, not only in possessions - but friends, family, my life really. Right now I’m packing a bit of a sulk because my old man and younger brother are currently on a hunting trip, which I can 99% for sure say that I would have been a part of if I were in NZ. All three of us are hardly ever all together at once - even when we all lived in the same country. When we are on the beers and talking shit in butt-fuck-no-where… there isn’t much else that tops that to me. I catch myself sometimes thinking “Fuck it, should I just book a ticket back home?”. It’s thoughts like this that divide what I want sometimes. You might recall from my earlier writings I said along the lines of “I ain’t going back to New Zealand until I know that I love myself” and all that kind of soppy crap (man, I must have been going through some weird emotional phase back then…). I will say that I won’t hesitate to pull the trigger and move back to NZ if it feels right. Right now, despite my current feelings - it doesn’t feel right. If the time comes when it feels right, I’ll do it. I think there’s still plenty of juice in this current UK living stint. There’s still more to be seen, more to experience, more stories to make. Moving back to New Zealand… it has to feel right, and it has to make sense to me. It would need to sound appealing, beyond that of seeing my friends and family again. It would HAVE to be different this time. I love the thought of living in Wellington again and being around a lot of good mates there, but I’ve done that before. I’d love to live closer to family again and spend more time with them, but I’ve done that before. See where I’m getting at? I’d want something new to keep things interesting. I’ve always wanted to try living in the South Island, perhaps that’s a road I’d look at taking should I return to NZ? Who knows? Plans change all the time.


In the meantime, I need to recover from this bullshit concussion that’s been lingering for me these past few months. I need stay away from rugby for the time being, or possibly even for good - something I don’t want to think about. All while I think of what road to take next..


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“Enjoy the little detours to the fullest…


Because that’s where you’ll find the things more important than what you want…” 


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