XII | Rocky Balboa

 03/05/23


Do you ever sit back sometimes and think - why?


That's been me for the last four months now. I should be the fittest and strongest I've ever been. Instead, I can hardly walk 100 metres and I'm the skinniest and lankiest I've been since I was a teenager. I should have played in the Devon Cup Rugby Final alongside my new brotherhood and enjoyed winning silverware. Instead, I was at home in bed while the lads deservingly enjoyed a championship victory followed by celebrations. I should be seeing more of what's out here on this side of the world. Instead, I've been looking at the same old walls. I can keep bitching and moaning about this all day, but that won't change anything.


I know I'll come right soon from this head injury, bloody hope so anyway. The biggest thing that's been on my mind since I took another hit to the head is - will I be able to play rugby again? Or any contact sport for that matter? The uncertainty around it scares me. I'm only 26 years old, I can't be done yet. I want to close the curtains when I say so.


I've loved rugby ever since I started playing at 4 years old. Joining the Barnstaple Rugby Club at the end of last year really revamped my passion for the game too. It was different, it was competitive, and there's a lot of good culture in that club. The guys are hungry and want to be there.


My goal upon joining that club was to really make a splash and make good impressions. I wanted to become undeniable. I wanted to overcome any confidence issues I've had over the years and believe in the talent that I know I possess. I know I'm good when I back myself and have my head screwed on, I won't be shy in saying that. Unfortunately injuries kept getting in the way, and halted any kind of momentum I would build. I think in the end I only played four games with Athletic (2nd Team), and two for Buccaneers (3rd Team) when Athletic weren't playing. My goal for this year was to make several appearances for the Chiefs (1st Team). I just hate that I might not get the chance to really prove myself to these guys, and more importantly prove what I wanted to myself.


Concussions can be pretty scary, especially once you start having a history of them. This time around I've got constant headaches, weird memory issues, concentration issues and I just feel irritated quite often. Even writing this blog is a pain in the ass, this is going to take three or four days to write at this rate. My original knock, and second concussion was during a rugby game around the start of January. Three weeks is the mandatory stand-down period when you've taken a head knock in rugby, generally you'd recover before then most of the time. I couldn't even start going for runs again without issues until week six let alone go back to rugby. I finally got back to playing rugby around the beginning of March, thinking I was just about back to 100%. But with each training and game I knew something still wasn't quite right. My head would feel dazed even if it wasn't directly hit in contact, but I foolishly continued to just brush it off and pretend like everything was fine. It wasn't until my third game back where I truly realised that my head is proper fucked. The lightest brushes to the head during contact were causing pounding headaches, dizziness, and confusion. I knew after that game that I couldn't finish the season like this, but even then I still wasn't 100% sold. It wasn't until the following day when I went to the barbers for a haircut and thought that this is ridiculous. My head is too sensitive to even have someone touching it, how the can I reason with continuing to play a contact sport in this state? It was after that day towards the end of March where all the issues returned, and haven't gone away since. After that third game back I pulled out of the rest of that season.


I don't say shit all in general, but I can talk about rugby all day long. The thought about not being able to play again hurts. It's not even about going to a specialist and looking in to if I can play again, it's already knowing that I can't take a hit like I used to. 


Is it worth risking...?


“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!“ - Rocky Balboa.


As you've probably guessed, I've been feeling quite low these days. During this time of very little productivity I watched all the Rocky movies for the first time, just because. This quote from Rocky talking to his son in Rocky Balboa got me good. Particularly where he says It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. I'll admit, it's hard not to be hyped as fuck after watching all the Rocky movies over the last week or so. He's a beast!


When I get over this concussion, I'm going to train hard on my body as if I'm coming back to rugby next season. Aim for the goals that I wrote down some months back. If I go back, I'll be ready. If I don't go back, I'll be ready. So long as I keep moving forward. That's what I want right now. If there's any positive light on this injury, it's that it's burning a brighter fire in me to change when I'm healthy again.


I know this blog was labelled under the gowertravels Instagram page, but you may have noticed I changed the name again. This time to gowersjourney. I feel like that's a more appropriate name seeing as I'm not really travelling all that often, just living. Talking about life and what I've been up to is what this blog has really been all about anyway. I can't wait to talk about travels and cool shit that I get up to in the future though. The last few entries have probably been odd, but I want to record everything of what I feel along the way. I want to write about the good and bad times, you know? Writing about both sides feels real to me, even if I don't feel all that comfortable with writing about these shittier times. It's easy to turn something like this in to a bitching and moaning session, but I do my best to try and avoid making it sound like that.


Anyway, that's all folks. That was a mission to write, but what can I say - I wanted to do it. 


Keep moving forward.



 

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