XVII | Protagonist & Antagonist

  It's nearly been a month since I ran the Brighton Marathon. Heading into that, and even heading out of that, I was feeling pretty good about life and where I was at. If you've seen my last blog entry, you'd have seen that I mentioned how important it is to do hard things regularly. Truth is, I haven't really done a lot of running and difficult things since then. Not because I've been too lazy, rather I've been prioritising other things in life that needs more attention. I've known for a while now that I've wanted to move on from Alton, it was never meant to be my forever home - god knows where that is. But it's gotten to a point lately where it's driving me crazy being here. I don't hate it or anything, but it just isn't doing it for me anymore. It was different when I first moved here and was going out meeting people, and what not. I suppose over time the excitement surrounding that has all faded, I need to get out of these walls. Could I make more of an effort to do more around here? Absolutely. But I definitely see this as a necessary opportunity to move on. So lately, I've been applying for jobs in Cambridge, and I'm actually trying to learn how to code on computers on the side - because, why not. Cambridge wasn't the original plan. I usually try to avoid cities, but this just makes sense. Friends who live there have convinced me to look in to it, so after some thought I've started to do so. Cities have more about, you don't need a car, and there's more opportunities to meet other people of similar ages. Not that age within friends is a problem or anything, but truth is that I don't have many friends who are close to my age over here. They're either 5 years older with young families, or they're 5 years younger than me. Heck, I've even got a few who are 20 years older than me. By all means, age isn't an issue at all here - rather it's the different stages of life among these people. I'd want to go out for a beer, but Joe's got to be a Dad and a partner sometimes. I'd want a beer with Fraser, but he's working on his own stuff and is voluntarily on a whip most of the time! It's quite funny, back in NZ I know a lot of people around my age now who are either getting married or starting families. It's cool to see, but also crazy. I can't picture myself being on that boat just yet! I won't put all my chips in to Cambridge, it might be an absolute ball-ache to get a suitable job out there. But for now, that is the plan while I also explore the possibility of other areas.

  If I'm being real, I feel absolutely disgusting lately. My body feels gross, and my mental state has taken an absolute beating. Maybe it's because I recently came off of the highs of running a marathon, and all the training and discipline that went towards it. I took a week off from physical activity just to give the body a bit of a break. I didn't really want to have a break, but figured it was the right move. Even after that break, I can probably count the amount of times I've been to the gym and went for a run on one hand since then, and it's nearly been a month. Not good enough at all. Granted, I prioritised other things in life so the ball would get rolling with them more. But this past week especially I've been in such a strange place. Some days ago I went out on a date in Winchester with this girl from Basingstoke. We went out for drinks followed by a dinner, and I thought she was pretty cool. But quite early in the evening she said something that made something in my mind just snap. I think I mentioned how I used to play rugby, which soon followed by her mentioning that she knows a bit about rugby because she's had a couple of ex's who were professional rugby players. I don't know what it was, but when she said that my whole demeaner and mindset changed. I remember accidentally having a shocked expression on my face that she acknowledged. It wasn't jealously, nor was I comparing myself to a professional rugby player. In that moment I could hear a voice in my mind tell me loud and clear "that's right, you're fucking nothing - you've got no chance". Okay, so maybe there was naturally a bit of comparing. But I'm not foolish enough to compare myself as a being to someone else's profession. Once I recovered from my shocked expression, I asked her in excitement "Really?! What players?". This was - no, should - have been my natural reaction, but the voice in my head definitely didn't make it feel or come off as natural. I don't know where this voice came from, it's like it wasn't even from me. But it took me as a prisoner in to it's stronghold. Admittedly, it wasn't my best performance on a date even by that point, but after that it just got worse. For some reason we were joking about zodiac signs while we were waiting to be seated at dinner. I was laughing and said "I can't be a Leo, they're confident and possess leadership traits and I don't have a shred of either of those!". You can say this to a mate or someone you know, but for fucks sake - you don't say something like that when you're looking to impress someone on a first date! She replied and understandably said "I don't want someone who isn't confident!" . Good one mate, needless to say I didn't earn a second date after that shitshow!

Since then I've been feeling like an absolute shell of myself. I really believed that voice in my head. No sense of reason I have is getting through to me at all. I've barely been saying anything at work. I've been coming home, buying takeout, and just lying in bed doing absolutely nothing. No studying, no working out, no nothing. I feel physically sick on top of all this too. It's currently 7:00pm on a Saturday, I had all of these plans and chores lined up and I haven't done any of them. I've barely eaten as well, what the hell is wrong with me? It's not like anybody died or something has drastically changed in my life. It's just me being a dick - to well, me! This girl did nothing wrong at all, it was my own warped mind and insecurities that caused this downward spiral. I kept asking myself, how can I be like this despite everything I've accomplished in the last two years? Saying that, this is the first time I've actually acknowledged my efforts and called them accomplishments throughout my time in the UK. Excluding running a marathon, it shows just how little attention I give to my wins. I've done so much, I've learned SO much, yet why don't I give the same amount of love to myself as the hate I hold gets? Do I need to run ten fucking double ultra-marathons and find the cure to cancer to finally gain some self-respect? Sometimes I feel like I have all the answers, then sometimes I feel like I know absolutely nothing. I don't know why I've had such a strange reaction to something so silly. I don't have a logical answer for it. 

I think life is all about learning, but also knowing that you'll never have all the answers. Something that makes no sense can completely defy logic and reality. With this situation, it's not like somebody came up to my face and told me I was nothing. If that was the case I'd tell them to piss off! Why can't I tell myself to piss off? I get that this is just an episode, it won't last. What I do want, is to learn from this pain. If I come out of this spell having learned nothing, then that's the real failure from all of this. I am the protagonist and antagonist of my story - always have been. It's evident that I've still got some demons in the basement that need putting to rest. The lack of confidence, the self-doubt, all that shit... there's no point in it but it's still there. The goal is for the hero to win by the end of his story.

  I always debate on whether to post something like this online. Most people probably wouldn't go and share these sorts of things. Excluding global news, and 50 year-olds complaining about a pot hole in the road on Facebook, social media often only highlights the best of peoples lives. Which is great, why should you post negative things online? Negativity is buzz kill. But often by not doing so gives the consumer a false impression towards that person. They might think that this person has the perfect life, when they really don't at all. If I posted only the good things about my time in the UK you might think I'd be having a blast, but truth would be that there's plenty of times where I'm not having a blast as well. I suppose this can occur in real life situations too. It depends what you want to reveal about yourself. At the end of the day, it's really not worth looking in to something like that too much. My point is, I post these sorts of blogs because this is my story, and I want to stay as real as possible. Do I provide the reader with everything that goes on in my life? Absolutely not, because that isn't necessary and some things just aren't suitable for the public eye. This goes for the bad stories, and even the good stories. Heck, my best stories are best left untold. Granted, in the earlier days I probably used this blog as a bit of a bitch-fest when things were tough for me as I started out in England. But I feel like I've learned from that, and have no doubt become a better writer because of it. I now look at my past blog entries and absolutely cringe when I read them, the same way I hope that I will about this one some day. That's a sign of growth. I want to tell stories where I've learned something, and more importantly hoping that the reader gains something from it. You might get to know me a little better too, even if the story is at my expense! I don't know how something like this would be received, it can go all sorts of ways. When I read this entry I think, you bloody dork, how can something like that set you off so bad?. This is all so stupid. That's why I'm writing about it. 

I do try to use this platform as a way for people to get to know me more. My guard can be a heavy one to get past. In person - I ain't a natural or gifted talker, I ain't a quick or thorough thinker. I don't do or say most of things that I want to do or say in person. This ain't a rag on myself, that's the way it is right now and always has been. You might think better or even worse of me from reading these, but regardless - this is all trying to come from the real me that many don't get to see. I'd be willing to bet good money and say that I don't talk the same as I sound when I write. There could be someone else reading this who understands and can relate to this, or not. We're all on different boats. If we were all on the same one we'd sink.

I said this in the "Reflection" blog entry on 10th October 2022, and god does it make me cringe but I meant it:

I decided that one day I want to come back to New Zealand with all these stories to share with my friends and family. I wouldn’t do that anytime soon, but one day when I’ve seen and done a lot more. My goal is to come back as a completely different person, for the better. I want to stand straight and walk with purpose. I want to speak loud and clear with confidence. I want to be unrecognizable in a way that would “wow” those I know. I always think about when I’d come back or if I’d come back. I have moments where I think I’d like to come back tomorrow then I think, that would be nice but then what? Sometimes I think I’ll go back in a couple of years, but would that even be enough? Who knows, there’s no point in figuring that out for now. I know one thing, I’m not going back until I know I'm truly satisfied with what I’ve done and who I’ve become over on this side of the world. Whether that be for just a holiday, or back for good. This might all sound dramatic I know, but this means a lot to me as I left New Zealand when I did because I wouldn’t accept the person I was then. I refuse to return until I know that I can say that I love myself in full confidence.  

I'm still a long way from being satisfied, if that isn't obvious after today's entry.

One day.

Keep moving forward.