XIX | The Right Way

 For quite some time I've been knocking myself on my "indecisiveness". I am quite naturally an indecisive person. Growing up, I would fail to make decisions mostly because I didn't really care what I ended up doing. Back then though, it was more about wondering whether I'd have cereal or toast for breakfast. Nowadays, I'm always thinking about where and what I will be doing next in life, especially since I moved to the United Kingdom more than two years ago. As someone who always gets itchy feet to make big moves in life, being indecisive isn't exactly an ideal trait to possess.

I had become obsessed with doing life "the right way" - whatever that means. Mortality is something I think about often. But I'm needlessly putting more pressure on myself to make life decisions because I do think about it often. It dulls my choices, makes me doubt what I'm doing often because I'm so concerned about whether I'm doing the right thing for myself or not. It wasn't until recently where I realised that there truly isn't a right or wrong way to live life. I'm 28 years-old now, and it's a rather interesting age to be at. The amount of people that I know who are getting married and/or having kids around this age at the moment is crazy. I always used to project when I would ideally like to reach those points when I was younger. Funnily enough, I remember when I was in my early twenties thinking that I wanted to be married in my late twenties and have a child before I turned 30. Now that I'm in my late twenties, I laugh at that idea and think fuck that! I'm happy for the people that are at that point though. I'm sure life will lead me to those things one day, but it certainly isn't in my near future. I've become a picky idiot for starters! Maybe an incredible lass will enter that picky idiot's life one day.

I finished up at my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then I've been purposely not doing much and having a proper break. I don't like the idea of not doing much, but it was essential in order to cool down and screw my head back on. I'm now unemployed and moving away from Alton, big changes are ahead of me once again. I don't actually find any of that to be overwhelming at all, but nonetheless - I felt that a good break to do next to nothing was needed. Through taking the time to do nothing, my vision towards life has been much clearer than it has been in a long time. I've gained such clarity of my goals and dreams. I usually get so caught up in everyday life - I tend to forget what's truly important to me. During this period I wasn't doing anything that I didn't want to be doing, and I wasn't bombarding myself with thoughts of what I should be doing. I generally consider myself to be a fairly relaxed person, and that's exactly what I probably am on the surface. But beneath it all, I didn't realise how much stress that I've been holding over the last few years. Leaving what I had in New Zealand, while necessary - was stressful. Getting set-up in England was stressful. Recovering from months of concussion issues was stressful. Bringing myself back up to a financially comfortable position was stressful. Training for a marathon in a short amount of time was stressful. Trying to make a decision on an appropriate career path has been stressful. Amongst all these other little things that I let life throw in here and there. It all almost happened one after the other. I realised that I needed to chill the fuck out!

After all this time, I forgot the reason why I moved to the UK in the first place. I moved here to travel, to indulge in new experiences, to see new sights, to find things that I didn't know I wanted to find. Despite setbacks, I've been to a respectable amount of countries in the last two years. I've seen a decent amount of England, and I've been to France, Italy, Monaco, Ireland, and the Netherlands. But I don't want travelling to serve as a holiday or as an escape from reality. The dream is for it to become my reality. Until recently, I forgot all about this. I got caught up in doing things like trying to find what career path I'd like to take. I've never really had a true dream in relation to a career, perhaps "societal expectations" made me feel like I needed to have one. I believed that without earning the big dollars, without being in a respectable occupation, that I wouldn't get the things that I dream about. I kept hoping that by exploring and researching different options that I would develop a true passion for something. But nothing truly called for me, and I would beat myself up for not feeling anything.

When I decided to calm down, sit back, and take a break - that's when the ideas started to string along and make sense in my mind. I wasn't forcing them in to my thoughts, they came to me. Like I said, I want to travel in the sense of it being a lifestyle - at least for a good amount of time. Whether that be living in a van, or going through a number of hostels and house-sits, I'm not really bothered on the method of how I do it at this point. A recent fascination of mine would be to one day live in the south of France and become fluent in French. I've already been hooked on learning French through the Duolingo app for the last couple of weeks. How cool would that be though?! Once I realised that my dreams lie in travelling, that is how I discovered that I need to find a career path that serves those dreams. Working a digitally remote job makes the most sense for this, and it's something that I've known that I've wanted to get myself in to for some time now. Now that the drive is truly there, there are no more doubts or questions in my mind. All I need to figure out now is what path in the digital world that I shall pursue. I'm heading to Cambridge this coming weekend, what lies beyond there - I have no idea. But the possibilities excite me. I was never meant to live some kind of conventional life, now that I've realised and accepted that - the sense of freedom is on the horizon.

Enjoy the little detours to the fullest, because that's where you will find the things more important than what you want.