XXI | Following the Heart

 A few months ago, I made the decision to return to New Zealand. I was struggling to find work in Cambridge, all while knowing that the depressing winter season that the United Kingdom provides was on the horizon. I'd been reluctant to return to New Zealand for a while, perhaps because I always looked at it as running away from England when things felt a bit tough. Whether it was because of concussions, or consequential money troubles, or simply from lack of direction. But this time it felt different, in fact when I booked the flight it felt very much like when I booked my ticket for London nearly three years ago. It was impulsive, it wasn't 100% thought through - but it felt exciting. I wasn't running away from anything, I was chasing the New Zealand summer that I've always loved. I was chasing the thought of seeing family and friends for the first time in over 2.5 years. I treated the move like it wasn't a massive deal, enjoy the summer, see everyone, then see what happens from there. I put less weight on my shoulders in thinking that this doesn't have to be my only stint of living in the UK, and this won't be my only opportunity to see more of Europe. This sounds cheesy, but it's a matter of following my heart.

Excluding a few of my rugby mates, my mother was the only one in NZ who knew I was coming home. I wasn't going to say anything to her - but someone needed to pick me up from Auckland! I wanted to surprise as many people as I could. It was quite funny when I walked out of the arrival tunnel in Auckland, I saw Mum - who was looking right at me but hadn't quite clicked that it was me yet. Then I heard someone else right next to her call out my name. It was Don Laing's mother Tracey, who was there picking up someone else. What was hilarious about this is that I had been staying with her son for the last two months, so seeing her there was quite hard-case. Mum and Tracey had no idea that they were practically right next to each other too, it turned what was likely going to be an emotional moment in to a rather funny one!

The following day I drove to Dads place. I walked in to the house where it looked like no one was home before my sister Lucie shot up from the couch looking like she had seen a ghost. I was shocked too, last time I saw her she was a little grommet - now she's a tall teenager. Dad arrived about 20 minutes later, he reckoned he knew I was coming home based off the way I said something during a phone call some time ago. I'm a pretty good bullshit artist at the best of times, but nothing gets past Dad! Shelley and Gracie arrived some time later and were both shocked as expected, Gracie is another one who's grown up a lot too. I used to call her and Lucie smelly little grommets, but they aren't exactly grommets anymore!

Mum and I hatched a plan to surprise Grandma at a café she regularly goes to with her friends. Fortunately, Grandma was sitting with her back against the café entrance. Mum and I walked in, quiet as anything - signing to her friends not to say anything. Then I gave Grandma a big hug from behind. I said hello, but she hadn't quite clicked as to who it was yet as she gave a very casual reply. Then she turned around and realised who it was, don't think she was expecting me some how! I drove to Nana and Pops' around the same time on my own and just let myself in. "Hello?" I said, as no one was in the living room. Pops comes out from his bedroom. "Got any DB in the fridge?" I asked. "Yeah, go on then." he said before I gave him a hug. On our way out to the beer fridge in the garage, I see Nana walking past outside through the open door. "G'day" I said, smiling at her. "What the fuck!" is the classic response I got from Nana before giving her a big hug. It's been pretty special seeing my grandparents. Something I had to accept when I left for England was that I might not get to see them all again, fortunately - I got to see them again. I wanted to surprise my brother Ali, but couldn't really work out a way of how to in person. So Dad sent his partner Abbie a video of me while we were out fishing. Speaking of which, I'll get to meet my little nephew when he comes in to the world in several months. Quite excited to meet the little bugger.

I had to hide that I was in New Zealand for more than two weeks if I wanted to surprise my friends down in Wellington, where I was flying in to two weeks after arriving in the country. I knew their reactions would be hilarious. I started planning on how I was going to do this since before I was even back in New Zealand. I knew that Pita usually holds an event of some kind for his birthday which I knew was towards the end of November. I knew exactly who I wanted to contact about it - Elliot. I had become mates with Elliot through Pita in Amsterdam last year. However, I didn't have Elliot's contact details, and I couldn't find him on any social media. I had thought of a plan on how to ask Pita for Elliot's contact details without potentially giving anything away, however luck was on my side when Elliot followed me on Instagram from out of nowhere after reactivating his account. I reached out to him, and he was more than a help with making this plan work. I really appreciated this, he always updated me of information in regards to the where-abouts of people and about the BYO event.

My good mate Thomas picked me up from the airport. He was another one I knew that I probably couldn't surprise, so I got in contact with him as he isn't part of the group of friends who I'd be seeing later. We had lunch, drove around Wellington, and went for a good walk up in Brooklyn before he dropped me off in Island Bay. I then met up with Elliot, thankfully I didn't roll up to his place earlier as Dion and Karlos had dropped by not long before I showed up. We had a few drinks with Jacob in the flat before we took an uber in to town. Originally the plan was for me to just rock up to the BYO from out of nowhere. But then we found out that Quentin was having a pre-drinks in his apartment, with all my close friends being there. So we decided for me to go to this beforehand. Elliot and I entered Quentin's building before we needed Quentin to let us in to his floor. I was actually shaking at this point, I wasn't this nervous when I was surprising family! I suppose it's because I hadn't had many proper conversations with the lads since I've been gone. Elliot walked in first as I then followed, giving Quentin a good shock. "Look who's here" he says to everyone in the living room. There was Karlos, Dion, and Courtney. The room was silent for a second, as Karlos and Dion both stared at me with very puzzled looks. Karlos then looks at Dion "Bro, what the fuck?!". Pita comes out of the bathroom, already absolutely wankered and confused. "What are you doing here??" he kept repeating. Hugs and laughs were all about, we had some beers before we took off in to town for the BYO.

The next couple of days consisted of hanging out and seeing more people. I caught up with Emma and Chantelle. Emma knew I was about after we had to tell her, but we HAD to surprise Chantelle. Dion got Chantelle to drive to his flat to hang out. When she arrived, I hid in the toilet. Once I could hear that she had sat down in the lounge, I flushed the toilet, walked out and put on my Superwog Dad impression down the hallway. Pretty sure all I said was "Ahhhhh". Chantelle had already burst in to tears before I even walked in to the living room, which was pretty funny - and largely expected. On top of this I caught up with Dylan, where we had lunch with a couple of the other boys. We had a random encounter on Courtenay Place with Hoani, who none of us had seen in a long time. What really surprised me was that I got to catch up with Jesse Noone, who was flying from Brisbane to Dunedin. He had to stop in Wellington for a few hours as part of his trip. We went out for a few beers out in Strathmore along with Ellie and Army. The few days I had down in Wellington were great, my time there felt very heart-warming. It confirmed that I wanted to live there again. Wellington has changed a bit over the years, but it most certainly has a piece of my heart.

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The original idea was to come back to New Zealand for the summer before returning to the UK in early-mid 2025. I was fairly open-minded in regards to planning, but I was convinced that this would be the direction I would follow. So convinced, that I told people in the UK that I would be gone for six months tops and saying that I had no desire to live in New Zealand again. I was under the impression that I would want to go back to England ASAP after doing the rounds with friends and family, but that didn't turn out to be the case. Coming back to New Zealand... it made me realise that New Zealand is my true home. It always will be. I love England, and I miss my friends and family that are over there. But I think after spending a long time away from New Zealand, and getting to experience other countries within that time - it ironically made me appreciate New Zealand more. I think New Zealand has this more relaxed way of living life that resonates with me more than other parts of the world. This is besides all the connections and history that I have here. It isn't perfect by any means, much like anywhere else in the world - but fuck me, it feels good to be here. While I'm once again on a different side of the world, I now know that it isn't actually that hard to pack up my things and start a new life somewhere else. Who knows, I might live in England again one day. It would definitely be on the cards should I gain a qualification in something. Part of the reason I decided to go home was because I was tired of working shit waged jobs, which is the shoe-box I'm stuck in. That's on me though, I'm the only one who can make things happen to get out of that shoe-box. I know one thing is for certain, I now have so much more reasons to go back than when I arrived in 2022. I'm grateful for the people that have either entered, or have become a larger part of my life in the last few years. I felt like a bit of a muppet half the time while I was over there, in terms of not really having my shit together whether it was my fault or not. Things didn't always go according to plan, but I am grateful for the friends I've made along the way. In which case, I wouldn't change a thing.

There's one condition I gave myself towards my reasoning for living in New Zealand. It's to do it differently this time. I've just moved in to a flat in Wellington with my good mates Dylan and Kaycee, amongst others. I've just started working at my old job for the THIRD time, something I especially never thought I'd do. Now living with familiar faces in a city I previously lived in for seven years and going back to my old job isn't exactly doing it differently - but that's not what I want to do differently. Doing things differently means saying "Yes" to things more often. It means that I need to be more involved and always moving. Go for runs, go to the gym, go swimming, play touch, heck - I've even agreed to play netball! I want to make new connections, all while strengthening my existing ones. I could have done this anywhere, even in England - but something was telling me to come back to Wellington. It has almost everything I want and need. One of the reasons that made returning to my old job so enticing was how much freedom I get from it and how much I can make it serve me. I have potential to earn more money, I get reasonable use out of a work vehicle outside of work hours, I still have good mates there that I've known for years. I appreciate this job so much, after just hating the jobs I've been doing since I left there for the most part. The fact that I had the opportunity to go back for a third time shows how much of an asset I became for the company too. It's good to point out that it's wise to always do your job properly, and to never burn bridges. I still beat myself about not knowing what I truly want to do career-wise. I always have ideas, but nothing ever screams out at me - in which case, why bother unless I'm all for it? But I ask myself - why should I even care about this right now? I'm so happy these days and always moving, I barely have a second to even think about hating myself. So long as I'm moving, the answers I've been looking for will come to me.