XXII | The Honored One

 What would you chase - happiness, or success? Does success lead to happiness? Does happiness mean you're already successful? I've always thought that I wasn't a very successful person throughout life. I'd always think if I have this - this will make me happy, if I do this - this will make me happy. Not once did it occur to me to think that I have this - this makes me happy, I've achieved this - this makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to want more in life. Not in a way of greed, but rather from experiences and growth. But that doesn't go without saying that you must not forget what you have got and what you have achieved along the way. I'm terrible at dismissing my accomplishments, I'll be honest with you there. I think it's because I always believe that I'm capable of being and doing better. This is a thought process of mine that definitely needs working on. One thing is for sure, it's important to give yourself a pat on the back once in a while.

For a long time I've wanted to become a rich person, or more-so - considered successful. To have a successful career, build a successful relationship with someone - and perhaps leading to successfully building a family one day. I suppose this is my idea of success? I had these desires become so warped in my mind that I thought I was nothing without them, that I had no value to my name. Especially as the dirty thirties are creeping ever so closer to me, the pressure I would put on myself would get worse. I would research and try to look in to career options I wasn't particularly interested in, but would force myself in to becoming "interested". For some time the same could be said when trying to build an intimate relationship. How on earth could I be considered successful if I ended up successfully attained things I didn't really care for in the first place? I think the level of input is what determines if you’re truly interested or not. It should be obvious when you’re truly interested in something, or someone. If you’re not busting your balls for what you want, is it really for you? Fortunately I'm at a point in life where I no longer force any interest. If I find and feel something naturally, then that's brilliant - the best part is, I know this exists. It didn't actually dawn on me until recently that a lot of successful people probably aren't actually that fucking happy. Which in turn made me realise that you actually don't have to be successful to be happy. Some times it feels as though things don't make sense, almost like I’m not going anywhere - but why ask questions if I’m feeling good? What's important to me now is to feel loved and give love to those I care about. I'm very fortunate in my life to already receive plenty of love, as well as slowly building the awareness that I have the ability to give more. 

I've been back living in Wellington for over a few months now and it's been great. I'm surrounded by good friends, where I usually have something to look forward to that involves them. I try to keep good routines going in order to keep me on my toes, although my drinking habits tend to thwart this some times... but I'm aware that this needs to change. I have two marathons to look forward to, the Wellington Marathon towards the end of June (haven't actually signed up for this one yet), as well as the Taupo Marathon at the beginning of August. A group of us are going to Taupo for that event. Pita and I will be participating in his first marathon and what I hope to be my third marathon, while the rest of the boys will be doing the half-marathon - which for some will be their first too. I'm really excited for this trip, a lads trip where we are all doing difficult things together. This will likely result in celebratory beers afterwards, it doesn't get much better than that! I'm not sure why, but recently I found the idea of doing two marathons so close to each other to be quite daunting. Hence why I haven’t fully signed up for the Wellington marathon yet. My excitement turned in to nerves, would rather it be the other way around personally. It wasn't until yesterday where I happened to stumble across the YouTube channel of Russ Cook, a.k.a Hardest Geezer. That mad bastard is currently running across the length of New Zealand. He's already known worldwide for running across the length of Africa last year. I watched a vlog of his yesterday about part of his time in New Zealand. He's an inspirational guy himself, that's for sure. But while I was watching his video, it wasn't his words that inspired me. Russ was joking around and asking for motivational words from his crew to keep him going. One of them, semi-taking the piss said "Don't be a fucking pussy". I don't know what it was, but when I heard that - I took that personally. It lit a fire in my belly once again. It's like some kind of challenge to prove that I am in fact, not a pussy. I have goals for fucks sake! One year ago, the goal for the Brighton marathon was simply to survive. Bonus points if I got a sub-4hr time(I got 4:01!). For the Wellington marathon, the main goal is to get a sub-4hr time. Which I know I’m perfectly capable of doing. The true goal lies in the Taupo Marathon. If I have the chops to run a sub-3:30, then mate - I’ll be getting hammered that night. Let’s bloody goooooo!

Lately I've been big on showing up more. By that I mean showing up for family and friends for things that are important to them, and even just showing up in general. These days I'll always try to show up to events that my friends are involved in, especially if I know that they've been working hard for it. Fortunately most of them do fuck all, so I'm not spreading myself too wide and thin. That's a joke guys, come on. But for real, I want to be there for my mates. It's part of my "giving love". I'm very fortunate to know that I have a lot of good quality friends, and that will always warm my heart. I'm usually sassy and talk a bunch of shit in my close friend circles. I want to show them that I actually do love them, just by being there in some capacity - if anything else. I had always been a pretty lazy guy up until the last year or so. I'd rarely put effort in to, well - anything. Running has changed me a lot when it comes to that kind of thing. I've definitely credited running for all sorts in the past. It's truly done wonders for my mental strength in particular. Not just in resilience, but even the way I think, the way I look at things. 95% of the time any thoughts of laziness are vanquished due to the discipline that running has created for me. Unless I get on the piss, that makes things much more difficult. As mentioned, I'm working on this! If you feel like your mind is one big cluster-fuck, go for a run until you're legless and you'll find some sort of answer. I love going for a run when I'm angry or upset about something, it brings that extra fire - but it also chills me the hell out. Anyway, I digress... show up for those you love, or have intention to love. Speaking of which, my little nephew, Boston, was born recently. Unfortunately I probably won't have a lot to do with the little bugger, as opposed to the rest of his family. The sad reality of not living close by. But that won't stop me from becoming his favourite Uncle!

I'm not sure what my immediate future plans will involve at this point in my life. I'm very much an open book, if something intriguing pops up I'll at least entertain the idea. When I left England, I had full intention on returning there to live. Perhaps I thought it would be the most interesting narrative, seeing as I still have much of that side of the world to see. Coming back to live in New Zealand was never an option I actually considered, despite warnings from a couple of friends saying that I won't want to live in England again once I'd leave. I didn't believe them, but here we are. If anything this lesson taught me that New Zealand will always be my true home. I'm in a position where I am genuinely happy. It's almost like I have a new lens on New Zealand and it's beauty. Even Wellington. a city I thought that I had fallen out of love with years ago - seems so beautiful to me now. I still find it odd. Being in New Zealand feels great, living in Wellington feels right - it feels comfortable. But the feeling for wanting more still exists. I'm not in a rush to make a move or anything, unless given an exciting reason to do so. But I must admit, I miss the feeling of chasing the opportunity of building a new life in a new place. One thing is for certain, my life in Wellington, my life in New Zealand - it has never gone anywhere. The same way that my other lives across the world haven't. That is one thing I must never forget. They're now part of my story - my history. I'm excited for where life leads me to next.

I want it to feel like an honour to be who I am. Not in some kind of arrogant way, but because of the stories and memories that will lie with me once all is said and done. I feel like the best parts are yet to come. Maybe, just maybe - I am already successful.